I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
