Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
