I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
