I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
a search helicopter?!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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