Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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