census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
