I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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