last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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