I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
