so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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