i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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