I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
