She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
