we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
