I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
