is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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