i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
