until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
