but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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