I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
