well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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