we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
