there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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