so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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