I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
