I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
