I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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