fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
