I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I need to stop coming to work sober
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
