Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
