I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
