I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
