why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
