you have to choose: penises or morals?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
