I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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