when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
