You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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