She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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