Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well I just put wine in my tea
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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