the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
