she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
