nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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