Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
