im holly from the hills drunk
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
