Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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