drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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