Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
