You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
