My cat gives me a boner
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
