She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
